Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow…What is it about infidelity anyway that drives us in the way that we are driven because of it—be it rage, resignation, disillusionment, despair, judgment or justice?

In my innocent mind when I was in grade school I often puzzled about the tag “kabit”, “kulasisi”, kalaguyo and other term they describe someone who is in illicit affair. I asked why a successful, married woman spends precious time and hard-earned money investigating the whereabouts of her husband. And now, I’m still confronted with the realities of difficult relationship challenges, and the questions continue although on some levels they have become more complex. My response, however, hasn’t changed.

Why not go directly to the source of your anxiety, fears, and grief where you can exercise your ability to effectively impact the situation?

Why not go to your partner—the person in relationship with you? What do you stand to lose that has not already been lost with the infidelity? What is there to be gained in pursuing anyone other than your partner, as far as the future of your relationship is concerned? Familiar answers include fears about losing the relationship, uncovering other, and perhaps more painful issues, and simply not wanting to deal with what is believed to be unchangeable. What is it about infidelity that annoys and even paralyzes us to the point where the ability to act as we need to in the interest of our well-being and relationships is seriously hampered?

To know what annoys us about infidelity we need to know what’s so important about fidelity. Why do we hate infidelity? The answer to that is linked to beliefs about the value of fidelity.

Despite the changes in the sexual mores of modern pinoy life, the majority of us still seek to entrust ourselves to someone special in an exclusive, and complete unity of oneness. We desire to be treated as a means in our self.

Infidelity effectively assaults both of these intentions.

It conspires against the love we seek to give and receive in relationship because it treats us as a means to an end. It denies the absolute beauty and integrity of the dignity of being a couple leaving us defaced, broken, and at odds with each other. And as science has shown that human bonding and attachment is every bit a biological experience as it is emotional, mental, and social, the damage of infidelity is really quite significant.

Someone once explained it this way. Human bonding is a lot like super glue—intended for the long-term…permanent. Like super glue, if we bond and pull away there is always some degree of damage. And, if you’ve ever had the unfortunate accident of having super glued two fingers together…you know the pain and difficulty severance brings on.

In the end, we hate infidelity because it betrays and slays us like nothing else can.

Becoming aware takes guts because you need to be willing to get at the truth about self. Most of us are convinced we know the truth about the other…and that may be true…how in tune are we to the truth about self! Relating well is tough at times, but always worth it!

Ask yourself this? Which woman or man is smarter, the one who is being cheated on or the mistress?
The situation mistress stand with this she has all (or most) of the benefits of the relationship with none (okay with out MOST) of the baggage. She doesn’t feel the pain from the wondering, fights to leave, and agony of finding out that the person you love and trusted and gave everything to betrayed you. And trying to forgive him of the pain he put on you when confronted, because the answer is one or the other. “I admit it and will stop, It will never happen again” – load of crap and 2 months later you find the same thing. Or “I am leaving you for her.”

I think infidelity annoys us so much because we don’t truly understand it. We all have this ideal of what we want our relationship to be, and how can you trust someone who is unfaithful to you. And the answer is “You can’t”. But when in the situation the hardest thing to do is to leave, and I think the reasons are just as confusing and frustrating as the annoyances with the cheating significant other.

You will be on your own you may have to move, explain the situation to the kids (if any), struggle with the finances on your own, not to mention splitting up all of the assets the two of you have acquired over the years, and the pain behind all of that, knowing that there were so many lies intertwined with what you built is truly devastating. Then you are now lonely. Imagine that, after all of the time and love and effort you put in to someone you are now the one who comes home to an empty house, you crawl in bed at night without the comfort of your loved one, you answer and do EVERYTHING for the kids. The thoughts are really scary.

If you choose to stay in the relationship you NEED counseling, I feel that this will only delay the break-up process if you don’t, Think about it . . . You are hurt and the only one you want to speak to it about is the one who hurt you. You have to look at him and with out a mediator search for the answers you seek. Your crying, upset and most of all, trying to act like it is “Okay” most of the time creating this elephant in the room. And as time passes the scars are still there but they begin to lighten, and he stays late at work. What are you thinking? He spends more time on the computer, What are you thinking?

Then there is the mistress, all she gets is the benefits of their relationship. She does what she wants, answers to nothing and at the end of the day 90% of the time, she knows about the main squeeze in the mans life. Maybe not at first, but she will shortly know that he is married or in a serious relationship otherwise. So she gets the late party nights (remember those days:)) less stress and in the end she has so little invested that she probably wont hesitate to call things off and move to the next guy married or not. She wont get the pleasure of the family time (or the stress) and has little to non of the fights. She does go to sleep alone at night (unless she is two timing herself) she has to answer only to herself. She will lay in bed at night wishing it was her he was in bed with, wishing he didn’t have to leave when they were together and wanting more from the relationship then he is willing to give. So it isn’t perfect for her, but who is smarter?

Then there is the man, he has the “privileged” of being with two different? women. He has the stress of lying to his significant other hiding what he is doing and juggling the emotions of 2 women (that can be hard for a woman herself!), and laying in bed wondering what he is doing with these two women. Yes his life is hard to, but that is because of what he is doing, and so what if is life with his significant other stresses him out, that is LIFE! Yeah, I am sure she sits at home with the kids she loves and adores, or working and handling all of the responsibilities she has, but does she use that as an excuse to have her a hot little side dish. For what ever reason I will never understand the mind of an adulterer.

And I do feel there is a difference from playing the field and all out cheating. When you are playing the field both parties are aware of what is going on and not that it makes it okay but there isn’t a foundation the infidelity destroys. So all thought the actions are the same it is easier to swallow.

Why does infidelity annoy us so much? because we trust that our partners are just as morally upstanding as we are.