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How to survive after separation?
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Nearly a year now when my whole world shattered into million pieces leaving me empty handed, misguided, and almost breakdown into the last tie of my sanity.
Where and how to start my life is not the primary question in mind, but CAN I SURVIVE LIFE AFTER THIS?
He has finally left your home. You are on your own. You may have children to look after, work to go to, or other responsibilities. You thought that once you had made the decision to end the relationship and were no longer together with him, things would suddenly be much easier. But actually it is still a struggle to get through each day.
Maybe you are not used to making decisions and all the options and choices are frightening? Maybe you are lonely and wondering whether you have made the right decision? Maybe you still feel guilty about what may feel like ‘giving up’ on him or letting the children down by not providing them with a ‘normal family life’? Maybe your confidence is low, and you are not sure that you can cope with dealing with the responsibility of everyday chores (bills, children, home to maintain, work, etc.) on your own? Maybe you are still fairly isolated, feel somehow ‘different’ from the other people at work or at the school gate, your self-esteem is low and you find it difficult to relate to others? Maybe you are frightened about what he might do next, this is a new situation, and you don’t know what to expect?
Fears are normal but don’t dwell on it..Living with an abuser can erode your self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. But once you have escaped, you will find that your sense of worth and confidence does return, even though it may take some time to ‘find yourself’ again. You have already shown yourself that you have the ability to make decisions, that you have the courage and strength to carry through your resolves, and you know you can cope with almost anything you have to face – after all, if you managed to maintain your sanity and keep functioning (i.e. coping and surviving) while in an abusive relationship, you have all the skills and strength needed to continue to do so.
Remember, each day you get through you are a Survivor, no longer a Victim.
What really help me SURVIVE for nearly a year are these methods:
Keep a diary- of everything you manage to do, even mundane things such as making a proper meal, taking the kids somewhere, cleaning the kitchen floor or paying a bill. Give yourself credit for everything you achieve. When you are feeling low and as though you cannot cope, this will serve as a reminder of how much you do actually get done on a daily basis.
Seek out a local support group.- This will help you feel less isolated and help validate your experiences and feeling and help you understand what has and is happening.
Educate yourself on Domestic Abuse.- At your own pace read up on how an abusive relationship works, it’s short- and long-term effects, etc. This will help you to understand and better deal with the abuse, will validate your feelings and help you feel less isolated.
Be creative. Draw or paint pictures, whatever comes into your head. compose poems or write down your experiences, what has happened, how you feel. Often this helps to work through and formalize your experiences and feelings.
Pamper and reward yourself. Buy yourself something nice, bubble bath, perfume, a new book or an outfit. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive, but it has to be something for you!
Change things. Many survivors have found making changes in their surroundings or their own appearance has helped. Paint a room, change your hairstyle, re-arrange the furniture, etc. anything that personalizes you or your place. This will stamp your own identity on to your surroundings, and also give you a sense of achievement and satisfaction.
Set yourself goals. Make them realistic and start at the beginning. If it is difficult facing the other mothers at the school gate, set yourself the task of just saying ‘hello’ to one other person. But don’t pressurize yourself to reach your targets too soon. Sometimes we learn more by not reaching our goals on target than by doing so easily. Work at your own pace, not the expectation of other people.
Keep the number of a good friend next to the phone for those low patches when you just need someone to talk to.
Ensure you get time-out. Time just for yourself. Arrange for a friend or family member to look after the kids for the afternoon or evening (if none are available, find a reliable babysitter) and do something you enjoy. This isn’t selfish – you need to look after yourself to be any good to anyone else, especially if you have children. And you need to learn to look after yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost. You deserve it!
Get some exercise and fresh air. Go for a walk, take up swimming or some other sport. Some survivors find doing a self-defense or martial arts course helps build their confidence back up (however, some people find martial arts too tactile to begin with, especially if they have been raped). Keeping fit is good for body and mind.
Make up a tape of your favorite music tracks. Music can lift your spirits and encourage you in your resolve. (Personally, I keep Eurythmics “Thorn in My Side” and Gloria Gaynor “I am what I am” to hand for those low patches.)
Take a few days off now and again, visit friends or family and enjoy a change of scenery. This can help boost your batteries again and can act as a good reminder that there is more to life and still plenty to enjoy.
above all PRAY that our great GOD will always GUIDE US IN OUR NEW LIFE..PRAY THAT HE WILL ALWAYS SEND ANGELS IN MANY FORMS and always WEAR A SMILE it IS NOT END OF THE WORLD!!
It is just but the beginning of a more MEANINGFUL LIFE GOD designed for us!! If you knew you are GOOD ENOUGH STRIVE TO BE BETTER!
23 responses to “How to survive after separation?”
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November 22nd, 2009
maribel
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Chun Bickley
January 31st, 2010 at 14:43
I think that is an interesting point, it made me think a bit. Thanks for sparking my thinking cap. Sometimes I get so much in a rut that I just feel like a record.
Daria
January 10th, 2010 at 09:36
In order.
Uliva
December 30th, 2009 at 03:44
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maxivelasco
November 22nd, 2009 at 20:59
wow! you really did a great post here ‘Bel! I salute you!
great advice. hope that this will help lots of women (and men) who are having difficulties picking up confidence back into their lives.
oh… ‘Bel! thanks for adding a badge of mine here. I also added a badge of you in my blog’s BLOGROLL AND FRIENDS’ BADGES CORNER. dami kasi kaya i cannot put everyone in my blog’s homepage. i created a badge for you and hope you like it. you can check it here: http://www.ovahcoffee.com/search/label/Blogroll
scroll down to the badges’ area. it’s after the blogroll scroll.
have a great day… labyou masyado! mwah!